Ours is wrong, should be judged, belittled, ridiculed? but we have lived this way.
It started some wondrous years before, he is my physics teacher in high school. I despised him for no reason cause he looked so confident, self-assured, things that i really like.. its contradictory that I hated people with things I like... jellyfish. But I realized, that I'm just mesmerized,,, wow,, what a rhyme. I used to stare at him whenever he is angled sideways, been so careful not to be noticed by him and by classmates who also got a crush on him. His eyes were crystal clear, drawing, magnetic, jaw dropping body, voice- a mixture of cold and melancholic tune that will explore my senses. He is indeed very attractive, not to mention his irrefutable intelligence. He is eleven years my senior, he is twenty seven, I'm sixteen. He never really noticed me. So everyday, I tried to do everything to be somewhat excellent to get his attention. My intellectual guise enormously succeeded. He always called me during recitations, and during free time whenever we crossed ways along corridors, it seemed that somehow he likes me too, imagination? could be, but I thought he just need to be discreet to keep the merit of his profession so as not to invite me to the cafeteria maybe..to avoid gossips. hush.. ambitious me.
Days passed till it reached January, 2.5 months before graduation. fearful as I'm, I risked... I sent him a note, unnamed , I put this on his table before the class will start careful enough to attract anyones attention, saying:
"I had always liked you,and this maybe had transformed into love. this could be wrong, but then before I'll die i was able to extend this crazy feeling."
My heart leaped when I've seen him unfolding the crazy message, he didn't react, much to my disappointment and also much to my relief. Paradoxical feeling swallowed me into deep euphoria that maybe someday we could be together, but that is impossible, everyone will judge and even persecute the thought of us being @##$$$!. but whatever it is, i still cant stop holding on to this dream, farfetched it maybe.. but what if!!!! so i sent him a note the next day, this time in our dialect + engtagbish....
" hi sir, nabasa na nimo aQ message gahapon ...u didnt react man, sorry sir , but di man gud xa mapigilan, di sad ni xa puppy love, bsta, di nQ ma explain pwo kbalo Q Love ni. have a nice day, luv you."
I sneaked it the way i have before, maybe I'm just lucky not to be noticed with everyone. But of course, I tried so hard to change my handwriting.
I've seen him eyeing the paper, he read it, this time he threw it on the trash can.
He's getting more attractive and yummier everyday... when he's back is at us when he's scribbling something on the board, its like I'm deep seat belted on my chair dying to touch his nape... am i getting maniac, but maybe this is not abnormal, my classmates already have their "friends" and some are doing it young as sixteen... people said that i look attractive, a nice package they used to say ,some also tried to "win" me, but i would only feel attractive if Mr. Physics will be the one to notice me. My beloved Mr. Physics, fantasized and dreamed. impossible....
Well now it seemed that my intellectual guise is not working anymore, i got the highest scores but he kept on calling Meg, she is also one of the brightest in the class... the potential valedictorian along with me and Buddy. I found my self in deep envy.. she is very pretty with skin and body to die for. But its not that my Mr.Physics is "eyeing" her, maybe im just insecured.
I, again sent him a message:
"I looked at you everyday.
though i know its not okay...
this could not be right,
but this could also not be wrong.
take care always.
This time, he put the message on his case... I felt nervous. bloody hell!!! but hey I'm not British, sus!!! ambot!!!
One Sunday, I strolled along the beach all by myself for since I eyed my Mr.Physics it seems I'm getting to be a loner. I tried to pick up a deformed shell, but then as I tried to reach it, a hand got it already just in time for me to hold it.
He said - "gusto mo to?"
am i hallucinating? why is he here, Im dumbfounded, speechless, trembling.... richer scale no.7 !!!! (help!!!)
me: hah, uhm sir na lge ka dri, kinsa imu kauban?
Mr.physics: aQ friend (bze girlfriend) (envious feeling inside again but I understand, I never really get furious to the thought of him with attractive women....normal Lng gud,, boobs ra man jud gud q mapiLdi bah ug ang ..... basta)
so a mujer just appeared into the tumultuous scene of mine..
girl: hi...ur student?...
MP: yup hon, one of the brightest....
aQ: (agay!!!! gibato ku bayot!!!, hon daw!!! ayp! afa bya xa, pwo maz nQ...)
high maam, ur a teacher pd?. ( nice plastic-iest grin)
G: nope, im a banker!!!
aQ: ahhhh. nice meeting poh. (hah, sah daw to?, bangkera bah na sa bisaya nang job niya... duh...)
MP: why dont you join us, my resto don oh... (tagalog jd ni xa, bt he can undastnd man bish)
aQ: (nganga ang student) uhmm. yaw nlng sir, npa man koi adtoon...
MP: sure? mukha ka kzing gutom
aQ: (jeli Q, and if im jeLi im famish, so bhala nah...) ulawa pd woi.......
Girl: (singit2 pwa mgkadialog: ) cge na gang...
aQ...( since this is Hab2, so go, go!!! the contruction worker way na ni dutz,, pwo poise saon nlng) uhhhm, ok poh..
Much to my disappointment the girl is really nice,,, its ok sna if she's not so I'm gonna be not remorseful, hay. she even said Im good looking... gosh!1! and opposite sex will be chasing after me,,, if she only knew...........
But theres would always be a sudden change of fate to everything. we are going to have our "retreat" before graduation. our adviser was not able to go with us coz her son was sick, and it was Mr. Physics time to shine with us.. i felt nervous chills, im happy, "itchy" maybe. hehe, i cant explain the feeling. but its ok, i prided myself as a great pretender. its on a very scenic quiet place, but not really a retreat house, its like a forest resort... after the common "methodology" of the event, we prepared to sleep. since its our is our last nyt, i strolled aroung the place at 11pm, much to my shock, (y man he's there oy, he's so maninintal) he is there at the garden (naghinuktok) i was to go on and disappear but ............. "gising ka pah" (caught!!!)
me: opoh, (obvious bah) explore2 lng, pwa sulit ang bayad. mahal baya.
xa: (laughs reavealing nice set of teeth> )
talaga!!! kakatawa ka nman.
me: wla, uhm, bsta, nice man gud ang place. (spexally coz he's there)
xa: u wna say something?
me: hah? wat man sir...
xa: about the letters...
me: hah!!! (kandila pls, i nid to die) (y does he know?, he's also an astrologer maybe aside from being witty?)
xa: i admire u. ur very brave. but di tlaga halata na ganyan ka pala....
me: (decision was made, admit!!!)
uhm sir sori jud, pwo wa jud xa nQ gituyo... cguro ani jud Q mski di halata.
xa: ok lang...
me: from now on sir, di na jud q mag char2...
(but why would i flip the lid on the situation noh na ani naman jud ni.. its better that he knew, no pretense)
xa; ur still so young.
me: how do you come to know? (englisheyra me andar2)
xa: i have my ways of knowing.
From that encounter, im so careful. he started txting me, dunno how he got the number... didnt reply.... but whats wrong, its just quotes and after all he is really fond of txting the class maybe because he's still young, except that im not replying lng jud, so i replied, hi's and hello's coz its gonna be bye2!!!
Graduation.
We started painting the stage for the grad, grad practice, not much class, im just 3rd hon mention, but im so glad still, got my slip for a state u nah or college to be a BS BIO stud, im a half scho, things my whole fam is so happy and pride of.... if they only knew how terrible i am... but this soon pa hinu-on.
I really like to paint so i stayed late, six o'clock!!! how late... but since theres no more reg classes everybody is rushing to go home.. there are only five of us left... i went to the backstage, i've seen MP there examining the draft to be posted on the stage... sir, we'll go ahead napud...."ahhh.. ok... but can you see this?" said he.... so i took the paper, its a paper with a message, " i now realized i felt the same,"
And he kissed me, i returned of course... dream come true!!! pathetic me. that was our first, it turned out that its really been already "us". (inconceivable thought)
we've been so discreet, very much... avoid being caught... my parents would really be furious. luckily we managed to keep it.
the banker girl is still there but i dont care anymore as long as he's also partly mine , always been a part of me coz he's always be my baby!!!! (evil laughs)
generosity! people of engotlandia!!! its like share a load.
Ours have been four years of immaterially sounding but great and divine "love" . "we do the usual llover norms when im in college. we would just meet in a place a bit farther than ours, but this is never a hassle for us. we shared so much passion. then came a heavy rain... we are on a farm on a countryside... we rushed then into his car... and there for the first time as we were both heated by the coldness, we shared the passion we had inside screaming, dying to explore every inch of emotion as if this would be our last.... (yuck----author ni, y am i writing this... pang abante rni dli Pulitzer.)
Time passed. i graduated with my pre-med.
we constantly changed letters since i studied offshore to pursue my Medical practice... its another four years. im 29 now.. a neurosurgeon.... he's 40...still attractive and the vice president in a state college....
Years passed and for eternity, this would only be like this.... for in this world, we should accept things we cant change.... we both have "families" on our own now and we are both been good providers..... he's and mine are both commended by society as a model, with our love affair at hand that is being kept, filth as considered by people the one we considered divine, we flourished to be unsung lovers, tested through the torrent of times.
unfathomable decision and risks is our custom, love affair the gods would spit off for....ours is undefinable.... a pandemonium, a bomb yearning to explode.
We secretly meet on our "nest" a 5 hour drive from were we live... bought a nice place near the sea.... and tried to manage to do "a normally-abnormal" life.
fate had played with us.... but we know that in our hearts , no one could ever replace him to me, my ever beloved Mr. Physics and me to him, the dreamy student... though we are of the same sex.
6:45 AM 1/1/2000
Im a neophyte!!!!!!!!!! bare with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!mY bM8 tE aI2
_______Ms.G__________
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